- Traits: Intimidating / pushy / aggressive / forceful / argumentative / likes to be in control (or seem to be) / drawn to being in authority in order to be in control (or appearing to be in authority) / expect fight or flight response (then they think they've won!)
- underlying probable cause: though it doesn’t appear so because they come on strong, they usually have a very low sense of self-worth; so they compensate for that by trying to seem confident; or, If they have a strong drive to be in control, they engage in intimidating behavior to hopefully silence opposition or resistance and regain control.
- how to cope with: let them blow off their steam / don't fight or flee - be calm, respond quietly, become "stone" (not necessarily Robert Stone :) / bring conversation back to the issue with objective rather than subjective language - don't react (if you react the same, you're probably a Bull too! Good luck with that!)
#2 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The FOX
- traits: some ways very much like the Bull, but not overt in behavior - rather "covert" / uses sarcasm and little cloaked nasty-tainted comments (made in general - but intended specifically) / always does it in front of others, loves an audience, to gain agreement from others /prone to gossip and slander / can twist the knife with a pleasant smile on the face
- underlying probable causes: Usually a very insecure person, so wants to use negative comments about others to bring them down so that he doesn’t look so bad (may especially target those who seem to have little faults, or who have somehow offended him, at least in his view) / Not getting enough attention - wants to get noticed, often at the expense of others / Afraid to directly confront people, so use biting little sarcastic “snipes” to change others’ view of the target person / Often cover his little attacks with humor to make them seem harmless; when attacked back, this one will quickly say, “What? Can’t ya take a little joke? Gee, you’re touchy!!”
- ways to cope: don't engage in the same - this Fox is expert at sniping, and you'll lose! / avoid the audience and talk to this person one-on-one, and find out WHY they're not happy with you - you won't resolve this with an audience.
#3 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The TIME BOMB
- traits: usually quiet and agreeable - overly agreeable - can't say NO / stuff their real feelings until "the last straw" and blow up on whoever is near by / tend to be used by others because they are such givers and people-pleasers
- underlying probable causes: believe they have to make everyone happy to have self-worth / if anyone is unhappy with them, whether legitimately or not, they cannot live with themselves
- ways to cope: don't react to their explosion - give them space to vent - when calm, one-on-one seek to get them to open up about what's really bothering them - let them know that you really want them to tell you what's bothering them WHEN it's bothering them - and not to stuff it / you must be very empathetic, patient, and lovingly persistent with this person for them to trust you.
#4 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The WHINER (remember Joe Piscipo on SNL as "the Whiners"?)
- traits: "Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa - woe is me!" / complain about everything, very negative / very pessimistic / express and perpetuate a feeling of hopelessness, which is how they see their world.
- underlying probable causes: probably been hurt and let down many, many times / or they want to be taken care of /can be just lazy (whine enough so others will do for them) / have a severe disability to see solutions, so focus on the problem.
- ways to cope: don't join in the whine, just encourages more of the same / don't disagree, encourages more of the same / shift the focus to solutions, and help them (don't do it for them) to see clear steps to accomplishing the solution - and keep them in friendly accountability to get there.
#5 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The STONE WALL (or, stubborn "donkey")
- traits: use deliberate silence when in disagreement / dull empty stare, arms folded across chest, pushed back in their chair / use silence and obvious body language to get attention or control back
- probable underlying causes: passive aggressive tactic / fear of speaking up from getting shot down before, or called "stupid" about their contribution / possible perfectionist - can't get people to listen, so withdraw / want control, want it their way, but not given to shouting or aggression, so use obvious withdrawal body language and silence to try and get noticed and invited to be heard
- ways to cope: don't react to withdrawal, instead acknowledge their obvious silence, asking them to please share what they're thinking / be wiling to wait them out / ask open ended questions (can't be answered "yes" or "no"
#6 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The ULTRA-AGREEABLE
- traits: Yes-man, bootlicker, brown-noser, kiss up / outwardly agrees to most everything / very NICE person by all appearances / tends to over-commit or agree to tasks unequipped to do / may vent true feelings thru gossip and slander
- probable underlying causes: getting along is the goal, at any cost (even if its your self or conscious) / very strong need to be accepted for a sense of self-worth / fear rejection /agree in order to be liked or to get what they want
- ways to cope: encourage and verbally reward honesty / make honesty non-threatening / offer tight, friendly accountability out of genuine care for them / help them to learn to say "no" according to their abilities, realistic time of commitments, etc..
#7 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The BUMP ON A LOG
- traits: this is the perfectionist - "If you can't do it RIGHT, you shouldn't do it at all!" motto / getting it right is more important than getting it done, so they will drag their feet and slow the team down / tend to come across as very negative, seeing the faults in everything (eye for detail)
- probable underlying causes: grew up in perfectionist model / were told the motto over and over / only get a sense of self-worth when they do things perfectly, though they know they never quite do / suffered many disappointments in life / so keyed to see what's wrong, they can't move on to solution / too many past failures, if the present thing isn't done perfectly, it's just another failure
- ways to cope: affirm them for the work they've done and do, and their insights / thank them for their eye for detail, and run everything by them to find problems / help them move from fault-finding to problem solving / breakdown generalizations for specifics / use exaggerated agreement to get a polar response (the opposite of what they said, for a more balanced statement from them)
#8 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The KNOW IT ALL
- traits: they actually DO know what they're talking about, but they also get an unhealthy sense of self-worth from "knowledge" - and so flaunt it to get approval, attention, or acceptance / tend to be confident, outspoken, and assertive / often tend to be controlling - don't like contradiction or being corrected.
- probable underlying causes: somewhere they learned that to be wrong makes you nobody - to be right is everything / have come to believe their part in the world is to dominate, manipulate, and control - after all, they alone know what is right - and being right is power!
- ways to cope: never tell them they're wrong - that will be the end of any possible intelligent conversation - they take that as a personal attack (can't separate their ideas from their Self) / affirm them, affirm their knowledge - then add your "suggestions" not as contradictory, but as additional possibilities? / do YOUR homework, and contribute researched input - but NOT as contradictory, but asking for clarity of how it works with what they've shared (no element of "challenge", or the war's on!) / use them as mentors! Acknowledge their smarts, and invite them to help you learn!
#9 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The FAKE KNOW IT ALL
- traits: this person DOESN'T know their facts, but they have a strong drive to be SEEN as having knowledge / will even invent experiences to gain a say / uses a lot of exaggerations and generalizations / tend to be assertive and push their way into conversations inappropriately / Chameleon - like the changeable lizard, will adapt to group to be involved.
- probable underlying causes: have an insatiable desire for attention and appreciation by seeming to be knowledgeable / sacrifice respect for attention / very people-oriented, much more than needed by the task or subject discussed / more concerned about acceptance from others than acceptance of their ideas
- ways to cope: don't tear apart what they've shared - you will destroy them / they require much patience and compassion / affirm their personhood - this is what they're longing for / asknowledge their good intentions, and ANY, if any, of what they've shared as helpful / one-on-one approach will work best (they want to win the audience) - gently share that you care about them as a person, that you realize what they're doing by how they share, but that they don't have to do that - to just be themselves and let people accept them, or not, for who they are, not what they know.
#10 DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR TYPE: The PROCRASTINATOR ("I'll be bach! Sometime.")
- traits: indecisive / their whole attitude is MAYBE / trouble accomplishing a goal
- probable underlying causes: could be laziness / could be perfectionism / more than likely, though, it is a lack of knowing what to do - HOW to accomplish the task / lack of skills / fear of responsibility (from past failures, criticisms - not wanting to be responsible for results or consequences or disfavor).
- ways to cope: Your goal with the Procrastinator: give them a strategy for decision-making and the motivation to use it / If you react in anger and impatience, they will only be more indecisive / Alleviate possible fears of the effect of their decision (your own reaction or that of others) - calmly stress the need for their honest input (might need private conversation and assurance of confidentiality if appropriate) / Patiently help them explore all their possible obstacles and options in a particular decision or task - listen to hesitations and explore deeper /Don’t let them trick you into making their decision for them (it’s easier, but you’ll continue to have the same problem with the Procrastinator). Put it back on them as their responsibility, affirming their ability (“I’ll help you”) / Teach them a decision-making system: list of pluses/minuses for each decision possibility (have them write it out to visualize - more effective).
Whew! There you go! See yourself in any of these! I sure do (I mean, see ME, not you - that's between you and the Lord!)
Hope this is helpful - I use this in a treatment center for recovering from addictions, and it is well received - despite the "ouches" !
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